If we took mothers seriously

By Dr Charanjit Kaur | MALAYSIA |

A mother is a non-replacement caretaker who represents a source of nourishment. Honestly, I am excited less about Mother’s Day greetings, a chain of repeatedly forwarded messages from my social contacts that suffocate my mobile phone memory. Such copied messages in the form of images and gifs from various sources are humdrum. Do ever wonder why do we need to have a specific day to wish and reflect the contributions and sacrifices of mothers only? Moreover, why not parents on the same day?

Most importantly, do we ever taken the initiative to learn why such a day exists in the first place? Most of the time, we take the easy way out by following the masses and fall prey to societal trends without knowing why we are doing it. In doing so, we subconsciously expanding differences and stereotypes between genders, especially in the family institution.

Mother’s Day was first celebrated on the second Sunday of May 1908 in the United States of America. The day was founded by Anna Jarvis in memory of her mother Ann Reeves Jarvis, an activist. Anna Jarvis chose the second Sunday in May because it would always be close to May 9, the day her mother had died.

Those who have been emotional with Mother’s Day may not be aware that Anna Jarvis became resentful of the commercialization of the holiday. She believed the companies had misinterpreted and exploited the idea of Mother’s Day. Anna Jarvis argued that people should appreciate and honor their mothers through handwritten letters expressing their love and gratitude, instead of buying gifts and pre-made cards. It seems that Anna Jarvis’ initial idea continues to be plundered through versatile forms of intentions over modernization.

Anna Jarvis may not have thought that social media is now the primary platform for gaining social acknowledgment of how a female parent in a particular family is ‘celebrated’. A bouquet, e-cards, jewelry, home appliance, or a spa day seem to be the standard Mother’s Day gifts. In fact, it has become a convincing (mandatory) ritual for most individuals, especially women who enliven their social account status. For example, updates on WhatsApp, Facebook, and Instagram are filled with photo after photo, with mushy captions attesting to their involvement among family, friends, and random acquaintances.

Regardless of the gender-specific, every female (male) parent deserves to be appreciated.  But we should maintain continuity in giving respect and, appreciation any time on every day. Why should we need one scheduled day of the year to express our love to parents, that’s also on Ann Reeves’s death anniversary day?

For many people, this supposedly obligatory celebration has turned into a soul-crushing experience. Society has conditioned women’s lives to be spent with their families while caring for a family system. Women are allegedly taught how motherhood is the most important role and their lives are secured by having children. This is not surprising, considering that for centuries, a woman’s greatest value in a patriarchal society was her ability to produce heirs. However, many special women have longed to be mothers but couldn’t be. What about the children of any age, whose mothers have passed? Mother’s Day can leave a bitter taste and a reminder to some of what’s no more or never was. In the absence of a child’s mother, how will this alleged celebration affect a male parent who is solely responsible for the child’s nutrition?

So, why are we too pumped-up on this day? Do we need a special day to draw close to our mother? More than a decade ago, the second Sunday of May, was a normal Sunday in every Sikh family. In fact, we used to not celebrate trendy Mother’s Day at a gurdwara, but it has now become another purposeful annual agenda item to bring people together.

Father’s Day, on the other hand, has never been observed in any gurdwara. The dekha-dekhi culture has certainly created some stress in the family. Some (young) mothers hoping to walk into a room full of flowers, to receive greeting cards or presents, to close the kitchen, etc. But what if none of these typical Mother’s Day things happen? The blaming game will start in the family and the mothers (not all) will think that they are not being loved or appreciated.

This is how commercialized Mother’s Day has changed our expectations and emotions. Instead, we should regularly engage in her everyday tasks, give her something useful, and keep in touch with our mother regularly. We are hesitant to establish a new norm that everyone in the family should be respected and loved every day.

We should encourage our children to work together as one team and appreciate their parent’s contribution to the well-being, not just half of a parent. Parents who are unconditionally loving expect nothing in return except for a strong bond with their children and the assurance that they will not be forgotten.

As much as our society pays lip service to the importance of family and the moral purpose of mothering, the truth is that we do not really take it seriously. If we took motherhood seriously, we should not keep reminding them to adjust and to sacrifice for the sake of family members. We should not have to act involuntarily by pushing them to majorly perform domestic tasks restlessly and suppress their desires. If we have given a serious thought, we should not even be arguing about whether or not women have the right to choose to be mothers. We wouldn’t even remind a woman who has lost their children; besides we wouldn’t have been questioning women who may choose to walk away from a toxic marriage. We should not put off working on her interests if we truly valued our motherhood, not just only as a mother but also as a human being.

Dr Charanjit Kaur is an Assistant Professor at Malaysia-based Universiti Tunku Abdul Rahman (UTAR). Her area of specialisation is cultural anthropology with a special focus on the Sikh minority community in Malaysia which touches on themes such as religious-cultural conflicts, gender identity and social behavior.

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